This is the entire post. This seemed like the best way to make it available without worry.
I'm eventually going to kill myself. I don't know when, but I'm pretty sure that's where life is taking me. I've never kissed a girl and I'm approaching 30, I have panic attacks in social situations, therapy seems to only make me feel worse, and I've decided that living so that others don't have to deal with my death isn't worth it anymore.
I'm basically just waiting out my parents so they don't have to attend my funeral.
July 17 2012 Edit: Because I'm still getting PMs asking how things turned out I'll just update it here. Nothing happened with any of the offers, I guess those were karma-whoring attempts, because I did PM them and they never responded. I did meet a girl who PMed me on a stop over from a road trip and get my first kiss, but that was it. I'm very glad I got to do that, and it was amazing enough that it convinced me to really make an effort. I've been trying very hard in the online dating arena, but I'm not getting anywhere. When I do get dates I don't know how to initiate anything physical, and its causing women to think I'm not interested, or I'm a wimp, or whatever. Anyway its not working. My overall plan hasn't really changed, really the only thing different is now is that I'm trying and failing. Hard.
Honestly I can't imagine living like this for as long as its going to take for my parents to pass, its just too fucking painful. I can't effectively articulate just how lonely I am.
August 27 2012 Edit: Wow, I'm still getting PMs about this post. I guess I should update again. I feel much, muchbetter about myself and my prospects. I wont get into it more than that, and I'll leave everything else here because perhaps seeing just how low I got and that things worked out will help someone else feeling the same way. The only advice I can give is this: Try. You will fail, but you cannot succeed if you don't try.
October 11 2012 Edit: Things turned right back to shit and stayed there. I feel like a complete moron for thinking things could work out.
October 16 2012 Edit: Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes what seems like a down turns out to be an up. I've met someone wonderful, I thought I'd lost her, I felt bad for a while, but in the end it turned into something good. I can't wait to see where it goes. I will continue updating this post as I continue my journey, and I hope anyone who relates to the way I felt when this started can take comfort in knowing that if you make the effort, you can find what you've been missing. Its hard, but its worth it.
December 31 2012 Edit: Everything is great. Its as simple as that :)
January 25 2013 Edit: And then she dumped me. This is a pain that I couldn't have felt without the love that preceded it, so I'm trying to keep it in context, but its hard not to wallow in misery at this point. Back into the dating pool I guess.
January 27 2013 Edit: I really hate being lonely.
February 9 2013 Edit: Still lonely as hell, getting that first date after getting dumped has proven a bit of a nightmare. Getting really depressed about Valentines day coming up, it was going to be the first time ever that I had someone to share it with. Sometimes you just need a distraction, but everything you try is just... empty.
February 11 2013 Edit: Once I climbed out of the hole I thought I would be done with the darkest places my mind would go, but it seems that once you've accepted the existence of that escape its impossible to stop yourself from going back there when times are bad. I still could never hurt those who have emotional investments in me, but the truth is that I think about it all the time.
February 12 2013 Edit: I admitted today that I need to be in therapy. I made an appointment after staring at my cell phone with the number entered for almost an hour. The return of these suicidal thoughts seriously scares me.
February 18 2013 Edit: I got confirmation today that my ex cheated on me. I honestly feel fantastic finally knowing the truth, that it was her being a giant whore that ended things and not anything I did. Fuck her, I'm better off, and today is a new day!
February 24 2013 Edit: OK, maybe its not that simple. I go back and forth between anger at the lies I was told and soul-crushing loneliness. I do miss her is the sad thing, I miss her like I can't believe even though she treated me like garbage. I really hate being lonely.
March 6 2013 Edit: So I've been going to therapy and its helping a bit. I keep thinking I'm right on the cusp of being over everything, and then I get stood up or turned down again and I just slip back into this feeling that I'll never find someone. I feel like a complete fucking idiot for thinking that I'd found love. I don't get love. What I had was fake, the side effect of someone else's sickness and nothing more. The thoughts of suicide are never too far off, I just want to stop remembering, stop being angry, stop being lonely, stop being me. I think I miss the emotional intimacy more than the physical. Sometimes I wish I'd never confronted her, just so I'd still have someone to talk to.
March 28 Edit: I posted this in response to another thread describing why she was the worst person I've ever known, and I think it describes pretty well how things are going: She cheated, she lied, she manipulated, and then after shed been cheating before she left me for the other guy she was fucking she told me that it was because I'd "changed" that she was breaking up with me. She had told me that she loved me within an hour of another guy being inside of her. She cheated on her previous boyfriend with me without my knowledge, and cheated on the guy after me if some stories are to be believed. I'm not sure about the last one, so I'll leave that as a maybe, since there's no need to make shit up with her. And yet, she was my best friend, and I miss just being able to talk to her so badly... Honestly, the thing I hate her for the most is hiding who she really was for long enough for me to fall in love. So yeah, she was the worst person I've ever known. I hate her guts and I miss her at the same time. I doubt I could have a conversation with her without calling her a whore to be honest, and yet I wake up at night wanting so bad to just see her there. I tried to get over the anger, maybe at least get my friend back, and she said that she couldn't have male friends because she tends to cheat, and she could never do that to her new boyfriend. The one 2 after me. We broke up in January. Because of my fucking scumbag brain I can't keep her out of my head, which is why I have to remind myself of just how terrible a person she is every time I feel weak.
April 1 2013 Edit: I've decided that I have to let go of the anger before I can move on. Forgiveness isn't coming easy but I think that it's necessary. I'm not there yet, but hopefully soon I will be.
April 6 2013 Edit: I think I'm getting close. I've gone on more dates, met someone with real potential, and made a conscious effort to let it go. Once I can go a week without randomly getting mad about it again I think I'll write a letter forgiving her, and then probably never send it. Maybe I'll just post it here.
April 15 2013 Edit: One step forward and three steps back. Still trying to let go of the anger, but thinking about it and trying to forgive is just reminding me of more lies I hadn't put together yet, causing more anger. I'm not sure forgiveness is in me.
April 28 2013 Edit: Progress I guess? I reached the point of forgiveness, and on reflection I feel like I went way too far down the bitter path of hate, which I regret. A lot of what I said was unfair. Nothing on current developments until they develop a little further, but things are a mix of good and complicated. I'm going to Africa in a few weeks to do charity work, hopefully it'll clear my head and when I get back I'll be closer to the man I want to be.
May 31 2013 Edit: Things developed further, and... I have a new girlfriend! Shes pretty amazing, she actually like... does stuff for me. She packed me lunch today. Life is good!
June 24 2013 Edit: Not so happy a post this time. The complexity of life got in the way, and other things made it impossible to continue. Shes still amazing, but there was just no way it could work. Basically... :/
August 15 2013 Edit: I'm still alive. I really don't know what to say other than I still have nightmares about my cheating ex 3 times a week and I haven't been glad to wake up in the morning in months. I think all of this has really taught me one thing: No matter what anyone says, it is not just going to be OK.
September 4 2013 Edit: Worst night in a long time. I am not willing to live like this, a person is not supposed to be this alone. I can stand the going months without sex, I'm pretty good at it obviously, but the loss of emotional intimacy has nearly killed me. I still miss her, goddamnit, despite myself. The most destructive force in my life, ever, has been the thing that almost a year ago I might have told you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I fight with the urge to end it more than I ever have. I feel like even most versions of my life "working out" now are still not lives I'm excited to live. I'm going to make about $150k this year thanks to a good real-estate investment, I'm finishing my CS degree in May, I've got a good job, and still I just want to blow my fucking brains out because I can't stand waking up alone in this dark, quiet house in the middle of another night. But I know I'm going to. Over, and over again.
Goodbye.
November 2 2013 edit: I'm alive, my last post was a very hard night, but I didn't harm myself. A few notes for anyone who is now where I was before I started: you're alone for a reason. Get therapy before you start, because you don't know how to spot a liar or a terrible person yet. Don't go on anti depressants if you can help it. They fucked me up, and for most of my posts I was on them. I didn't start feeling like myself again until I quit them. Things probably won't work out in general, so don't get attached to anyone. Most importantly: become someone you like first. When my life really feel apart, after I got cheated on, my thought was "I get it, I wouldn't be with me either", and that guaranteed that instead of moving on and having dignity I just let my life fall apart.
November 11 2013 edit: One year ago was the best Veterans day of my life. Whatever other shit the last year has been, at least I can smile now when I think of a pair of kayaks.
December 22 2013 edit: I still hate waking up in the morning. I know at this point that she'll never come back into my life, but everything else since her has just been... well, shit. I once picked my 30th birthday as a give up date, and I'm starting to think it was a good compromise. I don't know if suicide is the way to go, I don't think I'm capable of it honestly(pulling that trigger is a lot harder than it seems), but I know I can't keep living this life longer than that. Honestly, after all this time, the problem is still that I just don't like me.
January 20 2014 edit I've re-written this update over and over again and I still don't know how to put it. I'm with someone now, and life is good on paper. I've sold my house, I'm well off financially and I have a good job, but that happiness I felt more than a year ago never came back. My mind wanders more now than it used to. When I was 13 years old I had my palm read by a girl in my class. She said to me that my life line went farther than she'd ever seen but at the same time my love line was the shortest. I don't believe in much anymore, but that has stuck with me ever since. My love line knows who she is, and she'll probably eventually read this. All I can think to say to her is: "You were the only one who would ever hear those words from me and have me mean them.". The last time we talked I pushed her away as hard as I could. I hoped deep down that I'd hear from her again, but I think that was just wishful thinking. I threw away everything that reminded me of her when I moved except for one thing, which I'm going to take out into the desert and destroy properly one of these days. I've seen horrible things in my life. I've watched a mother drop her infant son as she was handed a folded flag, I've solemnly shaken the hands of parents who's children took their own lives, and nothing in my life has impacted my soul so much as a single 22 year old girl telling me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Life is a lonely thing, and horrible, but goddammit, I'm going to live it and in the days between now and when I die I'm going to try as hard as I can to make at least a little bit of it better for someone else. In a weird way I feel like if I can do some good then my life has its own sort of happy ending.
March 17 2014 edit My last few Africa projects fell apart, and I'm resigned to the idea that I'm not making a difference there. I still think about her often. I miss her entirely too much. I still feel like I'd rather not wake up tomorrow, but life goes on for now. Its really not fair for me to be lying to the girl I'm seeing now, she says she loves me and I believe she means it, but I guess in all of this I've really become a much worse person than I was two years ago. I'm about to graduate, and I should be making ~80k (level 2 software developer) soon. With my savings, I'm not far from being able to just disappear, which sounds better every day. Maybe I'll give it a year?
May 1 2014 edit I just walked out of my last college class. It feels about like everything else does these days, but it is a relief. I've been reflecting on things lately, and as I develop better perspective on depression and my own state of mind I come to realize that so much of what I feel doesn't make sense. Yes, I wake up at night thinking about my ex, but I also wake up thinking about embarrassing events from when I was in grade school. I feel the best when I can just let things be. Another realization that I've had lately is that the reason nothing with anyone since has felt like it did with my ex is because I don't want it to. It was first love, and so many other firsts, and that is something I'll never re-capture. I don't believe that its something that I should be able to re-capture, nor do I want to. It belongs in that place and time, as do the bad things that went with it. I am told often that I'm hard to read, girls seem to assume that its because there is some depth that I haven't revealed to them. The truth is that I'm hard to read because there is nothing to read. I generally just don't feel anything. And in a strange way, its a real improvement for me.
June 2 2014 edit Life goes on as it always does. I passed the date I picked years ago on which I was going to kill myself. I don't come back here as often as I used to purely because I really don't like the memories it brings me, but I guess if someone in my old shoes reads it now every bit of perspective can help, so its time for an update. All things pass. I'm still not recovered emotionally from what my ex pulled, but its more of a distant sadness than something that rules my life these days. Two years ago I'd never kissed a girl, I was sure I'd die a virgin, and I had panic attacks whenever I tried to socialize. Now I've lost track of how many times I've done the things I never thought I would. I actually had a co-worker I've known for about two years say to me that I'd had sex with more girls in the time he's known me than he has in his entire life. It blew my mind. I guess all that I have to say right now is don't let life pass you by because its comfortable, because you never know where life might take you if you just try.
June 25 2014 edit Dreams last night like I couldn't believe. I think I've figured out more of why I never have been able to get her out of my head... I'm still just too attracted to her. I knew from very early on that I couldn't trust that girl and she really did go out of her way to fuck up my life, but the thing that I've never quite been able to get past is the fact that when I think about her I get sick with desire. I get this weak feeling in my stomach at the though that I'll never hold her again, and couple that with the fact that in my life she's really the only one who I let in all the way and you've got a recipe for dreams that'll ruin your whole day more than a year after your last goodbye. Kind of a whiny update, I know, but I haven't had a day where I was so bothered by the whole thing in a long time, and updating here when I feel like this has been my ritual.
August 2 2014 edit I find myself thinking of this post less and less because the majority of the issues I've written about here just aren't controlling my life anymore. I wish I had some deep sage wisdom to write at the moment, but I just felt like I ought to update since I saw this mentioned elsewhere on reddit a few moments ago. My life is going better than I would've expected two years ago; I've now graduated with my CS degree and work full time, I've had a great deal of success in the dating realm over the last 8 months or so, and I'm in a better place emotionally. My advice for anyone who resembles the old me remains the same: Try, fail, and try again. Its a hell of a lot better than a bullet through the head.
August 11 2014 edit So apparently I have cancer. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be fine, but it really makes me think about how glad I am that I started really living life.
August 13 2014 edit I should probably update again with a little more info. As far as the cancer goes, I have surgery planned, its early, I'm pretty sure I'm fine. I'll have scars, and that's all. If not, well, the prospect of something more severe has a curious impact on me. Telling my family fucking horrifies me. I know that you need to live life for yourself, but the others in my life are the ones who would feel my death, and I'm not so selfish a person that I can put them through that casually. I'm getting some massive doses of perspective lately.
October 16 2014 edit I have a nasty new scar, and a lot of headaches, but I'm fine. Life goes on as it always does. I honestly don't think I can bring myself to read the rest of this post right now... the last few years have not been great for me, to say the least, and I cringe just thinking about it sometimes. All I can think to say now is that I am so glad that I never pulled that trigger.
Also, apparently there is a max character limit now. I've cut some of the post and saved the whole thing locally... this leaves me with a problem. Should I upload all of this somewhere else? Not sure what's best. If anyone has an idea feel free to pm me.
January 29 2015 edit I've been getting a wave of PMs today and it made me feel like I'm overdue for an update. These days I'm a reasonably successful software engineer, I live with my girlfriend in a very nice place and have more friends than I did at any other point in my life. When I go to work people are happy to see me, and things are drastically better.
One thing I've come to learn about depression, at least my depression, is that the shitty little voice in the back of my head can come back at any time, for any reason. The other day I was updating my linked in and saw the face of my cheating ex as a suggested contact. I've successfully avoided seeing a picture of her for more than a year now. She was as beautiful as ever, and I wanted so badly for an instant to tell her that again. I also unfortunately saw that her last name had changed, so I guess she got married. I hate admitting to myself that I still miss her, and I hate myself for giving someone who was so horrible to me that power. But you know what? I'm fine. I was sad for a day, and then I told my girlfriend the secrets I'd kept (she had no idea about what I talk about in this post), she hugged me and said she loved me, and I moved on. Life will never be perfect, but its sure as fuck better than its ever been before.
Please continue to PM me if you relate to my original post or would like someone to talk to, my advice may be simple but I've seen it work at least once.
Also, because of the character limit and the fact that more than half of this post is now living in a text file on my computer I'm going to post the whole story somewhere shortly, I'll update here when I do.
February 2 2015 edit So here it all is. I promise not to leave it like this, I just wanted to get it somewhere. I lost my local backup but was able to find the post in the wayback machine, so there may or may not be a post or two missing between March 17 and May 1 of 2014, but most of it is now here.
1 6 2017 I am going to be a father. Totally unexpected, the doctor had told us it was likely not possible thanks to PCOS, AND she was on the pill, AND... well, lets just say this wasn't planned. I'm still in shock. Holy hell kids cost a lot of money. I'm terrified that I won't be up to the task, but its time to put away my own worries and insecurities and focus on doing the best I can. Over the last half a decade I've learned a lot about myself, and one of the major things I've discovered is that although I was missing companionship horribly, I do need a lot of time to myself. I'm still an introvert. Its going to be interesting trying to reconcile what I need for my own sanity with the much more important matter of keeping a wife and child clothed, fed, homed, and happy. Oh, and I guess I'm going to propose now. Don't tell her though, I'm still figuring out how I'm going to do it. Probably something involving a ring of some sort. Possibly onion (I really should have been better at saving last year).
8 2017 I have a son. Its the most amazing thing in this world, I honestly can't explain it. My wife is my hero for delivering this little guy. I don't have the time to sit and think through my thoughts like I usually do when I update here, but I'm just so glad that I'm here for him. I'm also deliriously tired.
9 2018 I figure I'm well overdue for one of these, and I've gotten a lot of PMs, so... here goes. My life has changed a lot over the years, since I created this account and made my first post. It's difficult to compartmentalize and share everything that I feel like ought to be shared, but I have a few clear thoughts that I wish someone could have shared with me. First: It takes time to learn how to be happy. When my son was born, as babies do, he cried. He didn't smile for the first time for about 3 months. We are all born knowing how to be sad, but it takes time to learn how to be happy. And its completely worth it. When he cracked his first big gummy smile it was at my father, now a grandfather, smiling down at him. Every dirty diaper induced cry seemed worth it, it was simply incredible. No words can do it justice. Second: Things aren't magically easy. I did not plan to have kids. At one point when I was a virgin and suicidal I dreamed of the normal family life, as a sort of goal that I felt like I ought to have. What I really wanted was intimacy and love, but I didn't know how to articulate it yet. Over the years I came to the realization that I'm pretty selfish, I'm pretty lazy, and I love having the freedom to stay out late and travel. Me and my now wife agreed on this, and planned no kids. And then her birth control failed. So we got married, and we had a kid, and life got stressful. I often wish I could just be free again. I make about 115k a year now, not a massive salary but enough that I should be able to do things like eat out when I want, but I'm struggling horribly because my wife has essentially no income potential, or motivation to change that. Stress is constant. Interspersed in this, however, are the things that make it worth it. My son just figured out how to play hide and seek with me on his own. Pulling a blanket over his head and laughing hysterically when he does it. I got a video of it, and its so fucking cute that I watch it multiple times a day at work. Third: Oh, and she's pregnant again. I'm going to have a daughter. Birth control pills don't work for shit on her, and apparently neither do IUDs. I'm definitely getting a vasectomy this time. Fourth: The thoughts will never go away once they've been there, and that is something I'm going to have to live with forever. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I still have my mind turn on me from time to time, I still get low, and I still can't escape that mental movie where I put a gun to my temple and pull the trigger. I have so much to live for now, and so much I'm responsible for, and I still can't totally escape it. It sucks, but living with it is just a part of life. I also still think of my ex. She was a huge part of my life, even if it was for a short time, and those memories are inescapable. I've learned to let them be fond in their own way, as so much time has past and ongoing bitterness was poisoning me. Finally: I've said it a lot of times, but life goes on. It will keep happening regardless of if you use your time well or not. If you're someone like I was, reading this now, do not wait. Get out there. Your mountain is waiting.
9 2021 Well it's been a while since I updated this, so I figured I'd better get to it. Life goes on, I've got two kids and a house and a dog, and all that good stuff. I've tried to continue working on and learning about myself in the years since my original post, and now that I'm looking at 40 instead of 30 I'm struck that the sense of foreboding has never gone away. I don't know if its something chemical or something deeply ingrained in me, but whatever it is at least now I can see it for what it is and deal with it. I'm still a lonely person and I probably always will be, and that monkey on my back is probably always going to be there whispering in my ear, but now it terrifies the hell out of me because I know how badly my kids need me. Its not just the fear that I'll harm myself someday, now I get all the existential dread that goes with aging too. I wish there was a medicine that just made me feel normal, but everything I've ever tried fogged up my brain too much, and I can't support the family if I can't design software anymore. Such is adult life I guess. I don't know what possessed me to get online and update tonight other than that I was laying in bed awake, missing people I don't know anymore and struggling to find either the quiet to sleep, the passion to go do something I like, or the motivation to work on something productive. I guess it all comes down to keeping perspective and remembering that even if whatever the fuck is wrong in my brain isn't my fault, it is my responsibility. Tomorrow I'll attack the day again, and I'm going to keep doing that for a long time.
7 2023 Well, it looks like this whole reddit thing might be on the downswing, so I should probably make another update before everything goes away. I am tired. I suppose that's normal, comes with a family and all that. I don't always agree with my wife, work isn't always pleasant, and my kids aren't always little angels, but generally I'm in a good place. I have found myself with a 7 figure(if I'm lucky 8) set of golden handcuffs and I'm looking at probable retirement before 45. I realized sometime over the last 2 years that I am finally over my ex to the point where I can look at old pictures and it doesn't bother me. It's kind of shocking how long that took for something that was so vanishingly brief. Weirdly the decade old opening of the suicide door never did close, and ideations continue to pop up every time stress overwhelms me, but I know how to deal with it now. Death terrifies me, my kids aren't anywhere near ready to lose me, and I'm not anywhere near ready to go, but for some reason that horrific imagination loop of tearing my own head apart comes back every so often. Those urges can fuck off, I've got to danced with my daughter at her wedding and there are billions upon billions of people with more reason to be sad than me. The mind is a strange thing. I've been ending updates on platitudes for years and I have nothing new or deep to add, but I just wanted to say that I'm doing well.